Tuesday 25 August 2015

Love, Accept and Forgive

I Am Not Ashamed of My Past

Everybody's got their dark side and I believe that everyone's been through the most painful experience that keeps haunting them. And it all started with something that we are very familiar with; temptation. Here's the story of my biggest mistake I've (almost) ever done:

3 years ago, I was dating with a boy whom I thought was innocent (I was too innocent to judge). He used to come to my house every Saturday and go for church service later with me. Later on, I found out that he had countless ex-girlfriends that he couldn't even give me a figure (that's exactly what he told me). He lied to me about his past before we started dating. He told me he had never dated anyone else before me. He finally spat the truth out, at least, I thought. Yet, I never doubted his innocence.

I was being very careless one day when he told me that he wanted to come to my house. He came to my house without my parents' acknowledgement and we were alone in the house. But, nothing happened. That made me trust him even more, although his was being extremely touchy and kiss-y, which irritated me very much. On the second day he made the same request and I let him come to my house, when I was alone and without my parents' acknowledgement, again. Everything was fine and as usual until we went into my bedroom. I, still, was too innocent and naive to realise the risks of letting a guy into my room. He, as usual, asked for kisses from me but I rejected. I was doing something else and out of the blue he snatched the device off my hands and started to force kisses. Things started going out of control after a short moment. I didn't know what to do. I was in a dilemma. I didn't know how to refuse. I was scared, traumatised and stoned. He stopped awhile and said "No, I don't think we should do this." I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't ready for any of these. After some moment of awkwardness, we carried on, anyway.

When things had gone to a much further extend, I finally said "NO." But, he still never listened. I kept rejecting until the nightmare a.k.a. awakening began; my mum came home. We were so terrified. Before we went downstairs, I simply grabbed an album of piano covers and handed it to him. He saw my mum and mumbled a greeting and ran away like a chicken. I was really disappointed in him and myself, for I had trusted him too much and not fled from temptation.

My mum was suspicious and lectured me about the danger of bringing a guy into my room alone. I denied and lied to her that I brought him into my room just to let him choose one of my albums from the collection. I couldn't hold my emotion back and soon burst into tears. Few minutes after she left, I became suicidal. I wanted to drown myself in my mum's bathtub (my bathroom doesn't have a bathtub). I wasn't physically and mentally ready for all these things. I was 14.

As I immersed myself into the water, I had only these things in spinning around in my mind: shamefulness, regrets, pain and condemnation. I was too ashamed to face the world, especially my family and of course, God (whom I'd definitely would confront if I died, duh). I couldn't forgive myself for letting that happen. I knew I was going to confront God if I died, but I thought I didn't deserve a place in heaven so I'd rather damn myself to the pit.

In the midst of this struggle, God sent a beautiful earthly angel to awaken me -- my mum (thanks mum :) ). "Charis?" "Yeah, mum?" "What are you doing in my bathroom?" "Uh... nothing. Just casually enjoying a 'luxurious bath' over here." "Oh, okay. That's weird." I am always very sensitive to my mum's voice especially when she calls my full name out because, you know... mums. Hahaha. Mums are awesome. I really thank God very much for my parents in my life.

Right when I heard my name being called out by my mum, I realised I was born for a purpose, a beautiful and meaningful purpose from God; and not to be damned. I realised how much my mum had been trusting me all along until now, she still does. She believes in everything I told her, including all the lies. She didn't know anything about the suicide until this year, I told her that she was the guardian angel that God sent to save me. For 3 long years she had been believing that lie that I was enjoying the 'luxurious bath' while the truth is that I was about to die in bitterness.

Through this hell I've learnt so many precious lessons and I've become a much mature me. I've never really told this to any of my friends despite a few of my close friends. I will never ever, not even to think of taking my own life and damning any souls anymore. I love my life no matter how bad the situation can be and will live my life to the fullest for God.

To everyone who's reading this: Do not condemn anyone including yourself. Learn to love, accept and forgive others and yourself. Learn from your mistakes. None of us deserve a place in heaven but because of God's unconditional love for us, we are made new. Make your life purposeful for God and let it be a glory of His.
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 
Ephesians 4:2 

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins."
1 Peter 4:8

“But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” 
Exodus 9:16

“The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.” 
Proverbs 20:5

4 comments:

  1. Life is beautiful. As time goes by, you will understand the real meaning of life. Congratulations for coming out & share your story. Live your life to the fullest Charis.

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